8 Things I Learned by Rewatching Flashdance as an Adult:

 

1. If the boss asks you out, say no. Not because you don’t want to, but because a girl’s gotta play hard to get.
2. When he asks you out again, repeat that you don’t think it’s a good idea to date the boss. When he “jokingly” says, “You’re fired, I’ll pick you up at eight,” don’t report him to human resources. Instead, go out with him, as demanded. Wear a short leather mini skirt and five-inch heels on your date. Then invite him back to your place for “pizza,” and take off your bra under your sweatshirt while telling him a boring and weirdly naïve story about your childhood. Then fuck his brains out.
3. After this date, if you see him out with another female, assume that she is his girlfriend and he’s cheating on you. Go to his house, smash a brick through his window, then run away. The next day at work, scream at him incoherently in front of all your coworkers, thus humiliating him and outing yourselves as dating.
4. If he takes you to an abandoned steel mill (and he will), walk around smiling and laughing, then inexplicably start telling another sad story from your childhood and cry. He will be confused by this, but go with it. You’re hot enough that he’ll assume you’re mysterious and therefore sexy.
5. On the second date, because there will be one even though you’re insane, he will take you to a really nice seafood restaurant. Act like you’ve never been out in public before. Wear a man’s tuxedo jacket with nothing underneath except that white vest thing. Tongue your lobster like you’re giving it fellatio, take off your shoes and toe his crotch under the table, and ask him if he likes having sex in phone booths. Then, if his ex-wife drops by, start stripping at the table and dropping F bombs loud enough for other diners to hear.
6. On the third date (which will occur even though your crazy level is now at DEFCON 4), wait until you’re driving in a car through a crowded tunnel far from home. He will then accidentally reveal to you that he made a phone call on your behalf to get you the audition you’ve dreamed of your whole life. Become enraged at this news, reach over and grab the steering wheel, forcing him to stop the car and narrowly avoiding a lethal four-car pileup. Then get out (yes, in the middle of the tunnel), throw only one of your five-inch heels at him (you’ll need to the other to walk home in) and scream at him some more before walking home…lopsided.
7. Quit both of your jobs as a stripper/welder so you can sit around your (weirdly affordable) converted factory/apartment in ripped jeans, smoking and looking aloof.
8. Nail the audition. Your boss will be waiting for you outside with flowers and your dog, complete with a red ribbon tied around his neck. WINNING

 

 

 

*Note: Don’t worry if you can’t dance at all. Your body double will LITERALLY do everything for you. You just look pretty and cry.

**Note 2: I was OBSESSED with this movie from the age of, I don’t know, seven? (we had HBO and my parents were out a lot) until, I don’t know, thirty? And I would just like to apologize to any guys I went out with during this time period who couldn’t figure out what the hell was wrong with me. My daughter’s role model is Wonder Woman. Mine was an insane stripper.