By:  Ellie A.O.  Ongoing
Language: English
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We all know a Viola, we've all met a Viola, we might even be one. Viola is a woman in her early twenties with absolutely no reason to keep living. She wants to die, so she tries to, sadly for her, she doesn't. Now, she is standing in the ashes of who she used to be with no idea who she should be. Viola will break your heart, but only the best stories do. She is consumed by a loss that is as deep as the ocean, pain that knows no bound, extreme anxiety and chronic paranoia, trauma that is skin deep, sadness that always return, depression that never leaves and how agonizing a friendship-breakup can be. This is a book about Love, the love that lives between you, love that is hard to find, harder to understand, the love we were born with, waiting patiently between our ribcages, waiting to be recognized, to be seen, the love we should have for ourselves, the love that does not fade.

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6 Chapters
Chapter One
I remembered the day I died, or tried to, a rather pathetic failure if you ask me, another thing I failed at. It was a sunny day, I despised the sun. I was in my New York apartment, and I felt really empty, like I have never feel before. I contemplated jumping from the roof, but that would be messy, sliting my wrist and jumping into the pool is also messy. I pitied the woman who found me. I still want to die, but now in a mild manner, simple, quick, definitely not grande.The doctors asked me Why, so did my Dad. Danielle screamed, and Fiona cried. Cara was shocked into silence, I guess your best friend killing herself can mute you. Lia whispered why why why. Why did I slit my wrist with a kitchen knife and jump in a pool, making it crimson within seconds. Why did I want to kill myself. I don't know, all I know is I didn't want to live , I still don't.What drives a person to suicide, to that point where they decide to die. The doctors had asked, and all I could do was stare at the cei
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Chapter Two
February passes in a blur of loneliness and self loathing. March rolls in, and I still haven't step outside my apartment. I rarely eat, because i need to lose weight. Body Image is something I have struggled with for years. I'm a young woman of 23, with a non-perfect body, witrh fiery red hair, strech marks all over my ass and thigh I hate it so much. My mother was beautiful, tall, with black hair that flowed to her waist, and an hour glass shape, she was an angel, I've always wanted a body like hers.My laptop rings, and absentmindly I click, hoping to see Dr. Chynna, but I see Danielle, looking at me with a wides smile. I met her almost ten years in Smallville, it took a while for her to trust me, and I was lonely, so I wanted friends. She was mourning the loss of her father and grandfather, and her mother left. She was in a bad place, but she let me in, ironically I didn't let her in. I kept up an image, a face, facade, it was impenetrable, no one knew the real me, and I think I br
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Chapter Three
"I'm not saying you made her leave, ultimately whatever choice we make, we chose to. Nina chose to leave, but, perhaps she was influenced, maybe you deliberately pulled away from her, in hopes that she'll leave, you wanted her to leave, but couldn't actually say it, so in a subtle way you self sabotage your friendship with her by not picking her calls, not returning her messages, drifting apart from her unconciously, because subconciously it has been embedded in you to leave before you're left. Nina left, but you pushed her."I'm frozen, shocked at her audacity,"Perhaps this also applies to another aspect of your life with Zayn Som -- ""Fuck you, Chynna!" I slam the laptop shut.I made Nina leave? How incredulous. I lay on the floor, feeling the familiar pain in my chest, and I realized I am actually grieving, mourning, but what, if not Nina, what else did I lose?______Self Sabotage, unbelievable. It's 3am, and I'm sitting in the kitchen, sipping hot coffee. I've been up for hours
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Chapter Four
"Vanilla, I've tried everything, Blu still won't slee -- Viola." Caden comes into view, and I gasp, then grin."Caden." I say, quietly, and he smiles at me, and in there I see acceptance and forgiveness, I just need to learn to accept and forgive myself.He sits beside his wife, then adjust the baby in his hand, so I get a full look, and I gasp. Lily Viola Blu in all her beauty, sucking her thumb like her life depends on it, she tilts her head my way and God, her eyes, big beautiful brown.I smile at her parents, seeing the life they've created, how far they've come makes my heart ache, it makes me long for something like that, something as beautiful, with no darkness----What I want is what I was, Slyvia Plath had written, and that's what I need, who I was, who I used to be. Long before life broke me, I used to be happy, I had my brother - Isaac, and bestfriend - Si, they were my center. My parents were disgustingly in love, life was beautiful, and I had everything I wanted. Then,
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Chapter Five
"Remember I said you're grieving, mourning a loss, a recent one. They are five stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargainning, Depression and Acceptance, however, writers have argued that going through grief doesn't mandates that we go through this stages in a chronological order, yes these are the stages we pass through when grieving a certain loss but this stages are not felt chronologically. Now, I believe you are mourning the loss of yourself, grieving the loss of who used to be." I stare at her, wondering how she can spew nonsence with a straight face "You are incredulous."She stares at me "It's called Self Mourning. Over the course of our life, we lose pieces of ourselves, becoming someone we never thought we'd be. We need to grieve who we were, so we can become who we are meant to be. It is as simple as mourning the loss of a -- "I cut her off, angry "Simple? Chynna, Griefing is not simple. What the fuck are you even talking about. I lost my Mother, lost my Brother, and now yo
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Chapter Six
Viola Point of View"we accept the love we think we deserve"I nod at him, feeling relievd by his kindness, so I sit, which is when I see it - my scar. It is long, fills an entire side of my wrist, this makes me freeze, knowing it is out in the open for everyone to see, to see my ugliness.I am about to leave when he comes with a smile, placing everything before me."This is Beans on Toast, Pot Noodles, Bourbon Biscuit and some Scotch Eggs." He says, and I give him a shaky smile, happy when he leaves.I pick up the Beans on Toast, and nervously begin to eat, which is really awkward because I am trying to conceal my scar, I give up, instead, drop the bill, plus tip and leave.The next half an hour helps me find my way to Hyde Park. I stare round it, it is wide, so I raise my hand to shield my self from sunlight, then my bangles sparkle, I had to buy ten, five for each hand.Gingerly, I walk across the Park, staring at everyone, the Families, the Lovers, and realize how lonely I actuall
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